How I’ve changed…

18 08 2007

As I sit here with a growling stomach, wondering if breakfast would ever arrive, I decided to surf Friendster and reminisce the past by looking back on the past testimonials that have been written about me. Friendster used to be such a hype and it still is among the kiddies (heh) but as I survive more days, it is fast becoming something of the past (although it is still a site I visit when I’m bored). Nevertheless, for a moment just now, I felt that Friendster has indeed played a positive role in enabling friends to recognize and show their appreciation for another friend. So many of us only tend to say the good stuff about someone at his/her funeral. But isn’t that like talking to the wall? I really wonder why do we bother saying the good stuff at someone’s funeral when all it does is make the family of the deceased more depressed for having to say farewell to someone who is ‘that nice’. So in that sense, Friendster has successfully build a bridge for friends to convey true positive feelings to their friends while they are still alive. A good move as we are living in a society where we are not as vocal about our feelings as the people in our western counterparts are.

And I realized I’ve diverge too much from the Title.

Back to it. Reading those testimonials, I sense the consistency in almost all of it. If so many people observes the same thing, does that make it true? Those testimonials made me felt good about myself, just like testimonials should. And I felt like I really love being that person they wrote about. But somehow, I see that person as a third-person. They spoke about her being energetic, fun-loving, humorous, a prankster, kind, caring, not easily angered and what-nots.

These days, while I’m not usually tired even after work, I would not say that my life is full of energy. These days, while I still care about people close to my heart, I do not really take the effort to ‘kepo’ aka care about others. These days, while I still am not easily angered when I get teased, I have retaliated twice within a month. I no longer pull pranks. People says I’ve grown up. I say I’ve gone boring 😦 and I don’t find myself humorous. The only constant would be that I still love playing more than working. Maybe work has changed me. I don’t know – quick sidetrack: I always say ‘I don’t know’ when I’m confused. I realized I’ve not said ‘I don’t know’ in a loooong time. That’s a Yippie 😀 but the fact that I said ‘I don’t know’ now means I’m kinda lost. Sigh.

As I continue living, I began to understand myself deeper. Yet, I realized that I am but an unstable matter. While there are two sides to a coin, I discovered that I am the same. At times I can appear so excited, so energetic, so talkative, so motivating. But flip the coin and you will find me being so quiet, so serious, so apathy, so unresponsive. For the record, I do not have a moody persona, at least no one ever told me I am emo 🙂 , but these days, I find myself being kinda serious and less sociable within the proximity of work space. Sigh.

Out of office is my favourite time of any day. The freedom to be me. The freedom to jump hop skip and play like a monkey without a care about what professionalism crap image is all about. Some people love the professional office lady look and I was like that till recently. I used to be the person who would be agitated if I do not like what I think is cool (i.e pro image). But now, I have no qualms accepting and saying that I’m not that kinda person. After all, while the packaging of an ice cream is what sells, at the end of the day, you still have to find the flavour within that really suits you 🙂 . I believe you can never go wrong by being true to yourself.

Friends I’ve acquired from my childhood right up to my uni days who have seen me in my craziest acts and do not judge me are the very people I love being around. No monkey business, no games, just plain sincere friendships.

Apart from that,

Everything is just an act.

P/S: Make no mistake, I’m not unhappy at work. I just feel that it is sometimes a tad too serious for me. And it could eat me alive if I’m not careful.

Cheers! It’s time to break fast 😉

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